A noise that I call joyful

Mysterious Ruler,

Today it seems quite pointless for me to speak to you.

Humiliation destroys a soul far more easily than torture. This morning the examining officer (...) ordered me to kneel. His warm urine ran down my face. How stupid one can be. The verse which came into my mind at that moment was the one about "the precious oil upon the head, running down the beard" (Psalm 133:2).

And now I am back in my cell. Should I pray? "Is any among you suffering? Let him pray" (James 5:13). But how can I pray to One who has foreordained all things, who has all power in heaven and in earth, and in whose world someone urinates on my head? (...) his urine on my head was too much. God, I have simply nothing to tell you about it, neither a reproach, nor by way of thanks. Nor do I wish to embarrass You by asking You the indiscreet question, "Why?" You would perhaps not know the answer.

So I circle around my cell, making a noise that I call joyful. Tra-la-la-la-tum-tum-te-tum-tra-la. Or am I in fact weeping? The Hebrew word nud means both "to bemoan" and "to skip for joy". You have asked us "to shout joyfully to the Lord" (Psalm 98:4). Well, here you have it. "Pom-pom-tara-pom-tara." When I am beyond understanding anything, I can enjoy the miracle of hearing my own voice.

(...) I have always marveled at the ritual of the Day of Atonement as described in Leviticus 16. The high priest had to cast lots upon two goats: one lot for the Lord and one for the scapegoat (v. 8). The scapegoat was destined for release in the wilderness. If the law had stipulated one hundred lots for the Lord and one for the scapegoat, nobody could have objected. But God is all for fair play. Only one lot for Him, the same as for the scapegoat, not a whit more. His Son was born in a stable, like many poor children. His Son feasted at the banquets of rich tax collectors, as many other men did. His Son died on a cross; so did the robbers. His Son rose from the dead, as millions will also rise. He will keep no privilege for Himself. He is in glory, and "when He is revealed, we shall be like Him" (1 John 3:2) -- we, His former enemies. We shall sit with him on His throne -- we, former murderers, liars, adulterers, slanderers, unbelievers. One lot for God; one lot for the scapegoat. There is an equality of chances with the Lord.

So this officer's chances of going to heaven are equal with mine. I cannot imagine how any conversation between us will be possible there. It will be too difficult for him to apologize; he will not be able to explain or justify his action. I shall not be able to speak any kind words. We shall simply take each other's hands and cry out ecstatically some loud, senseless noise.(...)

What this officer did to me was base. But God chooses the base things (1 Corinthians 1:28). I will think of him as my future companion in the heavenly choir which will make a joyful noise unto the Lord. Tra-la-la-la. I am calmer now. This also has passed.

Gam ze iavo. So many terrible events have passed in my life. Now this has passed, too. With Jesus the incarnation passed, the crucifixion passed. Everything passes. It is as though nothing has happened to me today. My beloved God, let us walk again in companionship with one another. Amen.


[RW, IPWCS, 2003]